I recently came across a tear-off day-by-day calendar entitled: Stuff White People Like. It caught my attention as I tend to classify myself (most of the time) in such a category. "Well," I thought, "what do white people like?" Assuming that these little blurbs were written from a perspective of someone with more melanin than me, I picked up the calendar of 356 white people pleasures with the same fascinated curiosity as I once picked up a French guidebook on the United States and a celebrity Brit chef's latest American cuisine cookbook.
I couldn't restrain any laughter throughout January 1st's entry.
When serving food to white people, it's essential that you remember that at least one person will be vegan, allergic, or highly concerned about high fructose corn syrup. You can mediate this situation easily by putting out a tray of hummus. For some reason, all white people love it! In fact, if you find a white person who does not like hummus then they probably just haven't tasted it or they are the wrong kind of white person. In either case, they are probably not someone that you want to know.
Putting out a plate of hummus and pita makes white people very comfortable. It reminds them of home since at any given time a white person has hummus in their fridge. Even the most barren white refrigerator will have a package of the stuff next to an empty Brita filter.
"Hummus!" my mind exclaimed. How could I ever dare to undermine the social glue of this appetizer tray? Somewhere, I suppose, hummus lost it's exclusive presence on Middle Eastern restaurant menus and found it's way into the hearts of white people everywhere (except perhaps the French). Modern day hummus has been Americanized as most popular ethnic foods are, Chinese and Mexican cuisine among them. Some entrepreneur started packaging hummus in a variety of delicious flavors with a variety of toppings just as someone in San Francisco passed off fortune cookie as Chinese or Japanese or any other obscure Asian country. The debauchery of the Taco Bell fast-food chain speaks for itself. As much as I would enjoy an increase in the number of Vietnamese restaurants in the United States, it's nutritionally better if Viet staples were kept under the radar. And as for stuff white people like, yes, I do like hummus along with hardwood floors, sea salt, international friendships, short stories, British slang, political prisoners, Sufjan Stevens, eco-tourism, olives, wine, David Sedaris, and brunch. You know, stuff white people like.